SPRING FORWARD with a FULL MOON and a BAR OF SOAP

It’s official…today was the first day of Spring. 60 degrees and beautiful. The wind was blowing and the smell of sun was on my skin. Besides laughter, I believe a day like this is medicine for the soul especially after several dreary months and a breakup. They say “Spring brings new beginnings and new growth” in my opinion it brings allergies and occasional Tornados, but hey I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I really do appreciate and love the sun.

Then tonight, lucky me, I get a FULL MOON, well everyone else did too, but I’m pretending the sunny day and full moon was meant for me but I’ll share. WE ALL DESERVE IT. It’s ridiculous how much I love the moon. Like in a nerdy, run outside and admire it kind of big eyed way. It started as a child and it’s never changed. I stood in the driveway just staring at it tonight, the same way I’ve stared at it my entire life. This time felt different and vulnerable. As I looked up I wondered if I would ever be excited to share a gorgeous moment like this with someone else again? I shook it off, took a deep breath, blew the moon a kiss and went inside.

And yeah, about that bar of soap. See, I’ve had this bar of DIAL soap in my shower for like 2 years. I’m completely serious, 2 years. My ex-boyfriend used this soap. Truthfully I’m not sure why I’ve kept it since the break up or in general because he rarely stayed here and never showered here when we were together. It’s been in there so long it’s dried out and cracking. While showering tonight, for some crazy ass reason, I decided to wet it down, put it on my bath gloves and scrub away. I’m not sure why I would choose this torture method because #1 it dried my skin out something fierce and #2 one of my favorite smells (NO JUDGING) was going upstairs at his house to get myself ready for bed and smelling “his” smell before I even reached the bedroom. What I mean by “his” smell was the DIAL soap smell on his skin. He showered and beat me to bed every single night. The smell had a weirdo sense of coming home for me. When I smelled him it brought calm and security and more than not, kissing and love making until another shower was needed. I haven’t smelled him for several months now and smelling the DIAL tonight didn’t bother me like I thought it would, thankfully. I did think about how weird it would be to smell someone else after a shower, or see them in a towel or feel their lips on mine. Then my stomach flipped and not in the good butterfly kind of way. So I shut those thoughts down. Jeez, I’m just not ready for them.

I have no idea what any of this babble means, but I’ll give a shot to conclusion. Since we’ve been apart, we’ve passed by Winter, Birthdays, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, 1st day of Spring, a few Full Moons, and the Justin Timberlake Concert tomorrow (dang you JT hot pants for canceling the original show in the Fall because of those precious vocal cords, I know you need them but I needed you! lol). And this doesn’t account for all the things we’ve missed and passed involving our kids. It’s so strange the way time can feel in slow motion but in reality it’s moving fast.

As the days go on I mark through the calendar and think about where I’ve been, where I am in that particular moment and where I’m going. I don’t believe “time heals everything” and I don’t believe the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I once did. But because of this experience I now believe it’s ok to be weak. It’s ok to hurt…still. It’s ok to take your time. It’s ok to still love him. It’s ok to let the good and bad memories hurt. It’s just ok. Someday everything will be better than ok. What else can a girl do? Keep Going. Keep Moving. Keep Smiling. Keep Laughing. Keep Growing. Keep Healing.

CHEERS to the 1st official day of Spring – New Beginnings, New Growth aka allergies and tornados, CHEERS to the beautiful full-moon that brings wonder and possibilities and CHEERS to that dried out bar of soap that didn’t trigger me but made me use a ton of extra body lotion.

I’m growing like a spring flower and changing, or maybe I’m a weed or quite possibly a tornado! LOL!

spring

Live.Learn.Rinse.Repeat.

TAK

FORGET IT! YEAH, YOU READ THAT RIGHT!

STOP REMEMBERING THE SHIT THAT DOESN’T SERVE YOU. Insert my best Italian “FORGET ABOUT IT” right here. If I had a dollar for every post-it note or journal note on my phone used to remind myself of “something” I need to do or not forget, I WOULD BE FREAKING RICH AS SHIT $$$$$$ CHA-CHING! Wait, shit isn’t rich is it? Whateve…you get my point.

This ridiculous topic of choice today is the feeling that I need to remember every little thing that happens in my life. Good and bad. Who has time for that? Clearly me if I could physically wallpaper a room with all the flipping post-it notes I have surrounding me at work and home.

Recently my goal driven boyfriend and I completed the monster task of cleaning out my mother’s home. She passed in February 2015. The hoarding alone took (2) 40′ dumpsters and a few crazy months of work to flip the home for sale. I realized before the project started that I would be extremely overwhelmed by so many different emotions. It was both mentally and physically exhausting. I needed to take in every memory good and bad that came with this task. Those moments and memories have made me who I am – past and present. We started at the beginning of April and the final work was completed on June 24, 2018, on the market the same day and an offer the next day. #WIN

I struggled with the loss of my Mom and denial of that favored me. There were so many memories that brought anger and tears as well as laughter and smiles. The one thing I learned from this experience by reliving and remembering so many memories is that I never wished I was little again. “Oh there are so many wonderful memories in this house, I loved being a kid, I sure wish I was 5 years old” NO…NO FUCKING WAY. WOW…what does that say about the childhood fun? Tons. Maybe, and that’s a HUGE maybe, I’d crank back time to say, 10 or 11 years old. Old enough to make some different choices in my life for my future self, but not young enough to go through some of the ups and downs that I’ve put out of my mind. Being forced to spend this much time at my childhood home helped heal my soul and in some ways say goodbye to her. I know she would be very proud of what we accomplished.

When I think about all the time spent on memories of the past (even if that past is last week or yesterday) I could slap myself. Yet I’ve caught myself over the past few days doing the same thing. Especially the memories that are not worth spending precious time on or holding on to negative memories that only bring negative thoughts into my mind. I wrote the following note to myself just now. #keepinitclassy

Dear Jack-Ass Self,

If you can’t remember the shit clutter without journal notes or post-it notes…IT MUST NOT BE WORTH REMEMBERING.
Get a clue & you’re welcome!

Yours truly,
Jack-Ass Self

Today, with my favorite 5 second rule (I love Mel Robbins, “The 5 Second Rule”) I’ve decided to PURGE notes and screenshots from my phone that do not serve me in a positive way. If I feel the need to write down bad shit or shit memories and the good shit or amazing shit is not WINNING in my life at least 90% of the time then HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM. This pattern of habit needs to evolve and not by writing more notes or keeping more negative things to remember. If it doesn’t serve me in a positive way, it’s time to say goodbye. It’s time to make room in my MIND and free up my TIME for the things WORTH remembering.

I still love post-it notes btw, but they will be used for store lists and maybe a cute little note to myself that says “Don’t be a dick by keeping track of stupid shit that doesn’t serve you!”

Inhale…Exhale…

TAK

Don't be a dick

My life is a bit of a shit show and it’s okay.

There are days when I wake up and automatically feel like a total and complete badass. Then there are the days I wake and think, please please please let me wake up again, hit restart and make this shit show disappear. Yep, call me a dream chaser, because that doesn’t happen. EVER. I can choose to struggle with the day or I can embrace the shit show for what it is and make it positive. This morning in the shower, which is like my meditation time to myself, no kids, no thinking, no drama, and I can hear my music playing through my cell phone being interrupted over and over again with work emails, regular emails, texts, notifications etc. What do I do? I yell at my phone like it’s the phones fault for doing its job. It only reiterates to me, I need to be in therapy once again.

I think the main reason I feel overwhelmed by life sometimes, is because I don’t prioritize the crazy train. In fact I know that’s the issue. There’s a ton going on in my life as with most people. Work, training in the gym, raising good kids, kids and school, dealing with an idiot ex-husband who makes everything under the sun difficult, trying to learn BJJ, maintaining good relationships and friendships, pursuing passions, trying to establish boundaries in my life I’ve never had and the other 50 billion other things I want to accomplish that never get checked off the list.

Every whiney piece of me, wants to cry out “what about me?” “I need to be the priority, I need to be happy. If I’m not happy how can I be a good mom, or a good blah blah blah”. Frankly I caught myself saying that in my head a few weeks ago, circling the wagons with the same round and round logic of “Hey jackass, you are going to get your shit in order starting tomorrow, you are the priority and everything else will fall into place. You’ve done it before, you can do it again.” But then I thought no. No, I will not get my shit together. Why not? Because I just won’t. THAT IS THE REALITY. Not in this moment of time. And guess what, for the first time EVER, that’s ok. #REBEL

I have created so much additional pressure trying to stay in the same previous pattern priorities that I haven’t allowed myself to evolve, which has denied me the ability to come to terms with the fact that IT IS OKAY to just be. Stop with the countdowns for a minute. Stop with the pressure to “get on track”. Stop with the negative talk to myself that I need to be this or that. JUST STOP. JUST BE. It really is okay. Inhale…Exhale…