Let’s just call him “Billy” – “Billy West”.
Billy, Billy…you did unspeakable things. You were a Master Manipulator and Gaslighting King.
The one thing I know to be true in this life – karma is real and sometimes served twice. Did you truly never expect to be served?
You see, I’m not too young to speak the truth like 12 and I’m not deer in the headlight 39. I’m 50 & fifty fits me perfectly fine.
Live.Learn.Rinse.Repeat.
TAK
LIFE LESSONS FEEL LIKE SWIM LESSONS ONLY FACE DOWN IN THE WATER DROWNING.
Mistakes and worse, more bad decisions made – complete disrespect to self. When will I learn, people are the same, despite mouth game, they just don’t change.
Struggling is not failing. Survived 12 rounds and the countdown. Don’t worry, I’ve got you, just as I always have because he never could.
Live.Learn.Rinse.Repeat.
TAK
For anyone who feels broken, unwanted and beyond repair – this is for you.
YOU ARE WANTED.
If you let love inside, you will see. You are worthy.
YOU ARE WANTED.
You are not what you were, who you’ve been, how you were raised or how you were unloved. You are new every morning.
YOU ARE WANTED.
Your scars are victories. You are beautiful.
YOU ARE WANTED.
Your struggle may be temporary or lifelong. You are not broken.
YOU ARE WANTED.
Your blood may not be your bond. You are not alone.
YOU ARE WANTED.
Your dark shadows are not your friend. You will find the sun by what you seek. Seek and you shall find.
YOU ARE WANTED.
Your broken spirit and tears do not define you as weak. You are stronger, dig deep.
YOU ARE WANTED.
Your worth is not valued in monetary gain or a number of likes.
YOU ARE WANTED.
Your heart is still beating, you are not dead, you are still breathing, and YOU ARE WANTED. You just haven’t seen it yet. Don’t give up and please believe – YOU ARE WANTED.
REPEAT AFTER ME… I AM WANTED.
Keep Going. #2021
LIVE.LEARN.RINSE.REPEAT.
TAK
12 years old. You were my friend. I trusted you, silly me. That simple trust changed my life forever.
I NEVER CRIED. NOT ONCE, UNTIL NOW. THAT’S HOW I KNOW YOU BROKE ME.
YOU STOLE MY INNOCENCE.
YOU STOLE MY ABILITY TO TRUST ANYONE AND EVERYONE.
YOU MADE ME ASHAMED & INSECURE.
YOU MADE ME UGLY & DIRTY.
YOU MADE ME BELIEVE THAT I WAS UNWORTHY TO BE LOVED.
YOU MADE ME WALK WITH MY HEAD DOWN, HOPING NO ONE WOULD SEE MY PAST.
YOU MADE ME BELIEVE IT WAS MY FAULT.
YOU MADE ME WANT TO DIE, I EVEN TRIED.
YOU MADE ME LIVE WITH YEARS OF GUILT AND SHAME.
YOU ARE THE DEMON THAT COULD NEVER BE TAMED.
YOU ARE THE UNSPOKEN TRUTH THAT WAS KEPT SO DEEP.
I WILL ALWAYS SEE YOUR FACE BUT I WOULD BET YOU’VE BARELY BLINKED AN EYE OVER MINE.
33 YEARS LATER YOU’VE GIVEN ME PURPOSE IN MY LIFE. YOU LEFT ME DAMAGED, NOT DEAD. I’M TIRED OF RUNNING AND I’M COMING WITH THE VOICE I DIDN’T HAVE AT THE AGE OF 12.
#RAPE
LIVE. LEARN. RINSE. REPEAT.
TAK
It’s official…today was the first day of Spring. 60 degrees and beautiful. The wind was blowing and the smell of sun was on my skin. Besides laughter, I believe a day like this is medicine for the soul especially after several dreary months and a breakup. They say “Spring brings new beginnings and new growth” in my opinion it brings allergies and occasional Tornados, but hey I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I really do appreciate and love the sun.
Then tonight, lucky me, I get a FULL MOON, well everyone else did too, but I’m pretending the sunny day and full moon was meant for me but I’ll share. WE ALL DESERVE IT. It’s ridiculous how much I love the moon. Like in a nerdy, run outside and admire it kind of big eyed way. It started as a child and it’s never changed. I stood in the driveway just staring at it tonight, the same way I’ve stared at it my entire life. This time felt different and vulnerable. As I looked up I wondered if I would ever be excited to share a gorgeous moment like this with someone else again? I shook it off, took a deep breath, blew the moon a kiss and went inside.
And yeah, about that bar of soap. See, I’ve had this bar of DIAL soap in my shower for like 2 years. I’m completely serious, 2 years. My ex-boyfriend used this soap. Truthfully I’m not sure why I’ve kept it since the break up or in general because he rarely stayed here and never showered here when we were together. It’s been in there so long it’s dried out and cracking. While showering tonight, for some crazy ass reason, I decided to wet it down, put it on my bath gloves and scrub away. I’m not sure why I would choose this torture method because #1 it dried my skin out something fierce and #2 one of my favorite smells (NO JUDGING) was going upstairs at his house to get myself ready for bed and smelling “his” smell before I even reached the bedroom. What I mean by “his” smell was the DIAL soap smell on his skin. He showered and beat me to bed every single night. The smell had a weirdo sense of coming home for me. When I smelled him it brought calm and security and more than not, kissing and love making until another shower was needed. I haven’t smelled him for several months now and smelling the DIAL tonight didn’t bother me like I thought it would, thankfully. I did think about how weird it would be to smell someone else after a shower, or see them in a towel or feel their lips on mine. Then my stomach flipped and not in the good butterfly kind of way. So I shut those thoughts down. Jeez, I’m just not ready for them.
I have no idea what any of this babble means, but I’ll give a shot to conclusion. Since we’ve been apart, we’ve passed by Winter, Birthdays, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, 1st day of Spring, a few Full Moons, and the Justin Timberlake Concert tomorrow (dang you JT hot pants for canceling the original show in the Fall because of those precious vocal cords, I know you need them but I needed you! lol). And this doesn’t account for all the things we’ve missed and passed involving our kids. It’s so strange the way time can feel in slow motion but in reality it’s moving fast.
As the days go on I mark through the calendar and think about where I’ve been, where I am in that particular moment and where I’m going. I don’t believe “time heals everything” and I don’t believe the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I once did. But because of this experience I now believe it’s ok to be weak. It’s ok to hurt…still. It’s ok to take your time. It’s ok to still love him. It’s ok to let the good and bad memories hurt. It’s just ok. Someday everything will be better than ok. What else can a girl do? Keep Going. Keep Moving. Keep Smiling. Keep Laughing. Keep Growing. Keep Healing.
CHEERS to the 1st official day of Spring – New Beginnings, New Growth aka allergies and tornados, CHEERS to the beautiful full-moon that brings wonder and possibilities and CHEERS to that dried out bar of soap that didn’t trigger me but made me use a ton of extra body lotion.
I’m growing like a spring flower and changing, or maybe I’m a weed or quite possibly a tornado! LOL!
Live.Learn.Rinse.Repeat.
TAK
I’ve heard people make this type of comment about our youth “What is wrong with kids these days?” Uhhh, duh. Let’s start off with one of the obvious issues. MODELING BEHAVIOR. KIDS who make fun of others turn into ADULTS that do the same lame thing. And I believe that parents sometimes model this jerk behavior, and don’t realize what they are doing. Or if they do, they don’t care because they watched the same modeling behavior unfold growing up.
As an adult, I simply can’t wrap my simple little noggin around adults making fun of others but unfortunately just the other night I sat at a table full of adults doing just that. Gross and disgusting.
Let me paint the picture of the event. Inaugural Ball. Beautiful event. Beautiful “looking” people. It was a very cool experience even though I still claim to be a Republican. I’ve shifted over the years to the party of “I really don’t know who or what I am.” As the ceremony came to an end, dinner began, the band started to play and people headed for the dance floor. There was a young lady, I would guess somewhere between 18-20 and she was dancing as the band played. The second I saw her, I smiled. As she was doing something different with zero fear. It seemed like a lyrical type dance. She was smiling and enjoying herself and not being hindered in the least about the opinions of others. She had a confidence that no one at my table shared. That said the “adults” at my table started making comments with twisted facial smirks and the like. My response to this was “At least she’s up there dancing and having a good time.” Which was more than anyone at that table could say.
A few thoughts flooded my mind about these small minded people who were 35+ years of age and still doing exactly what they probably did in high school….JUDGING & MAKING FUN of people who are different.
I thought they must be so insecure about themselves. I wondered if I recorded them, and did a playback how proud they would’ve been of their words and actions.
I thought they needed people with grace in their lives to help with humble modeling behaviors.
I thought they were so clueless. They didn’t know her. They didn’t know who she was or where she comes from and because of my son I always think beyond the “perfect little human box” (which good luck with that box btw, it’s a fairytale) and maybe this girl had a special need, or maybe she loved to express herself with dance or maybe she just loved to dance in general and she was dancing the only way she knew how and she didn’t care who was watching. I LOVED THIS ABOUT HER!
I couldn’t wait to escape the table for the bathroom. I’d rather wait in a 20 minute line alone than sit at that table.
I regret one thing about that night and that was not getting up from the table and dancing with her.
So here’s to the beautiful young girl on the dance floor doing your thing.
KEEP DOING YOU. KEEP DOING WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE. KEEP DOING WHATEVER IT IS THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD AND DON’T EVER LET ANYONE STOP YOU. YOUR SMILE IS CONTAGIOUS. THANK YOU FOR BEING BRAVE. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BE MORE LIKE YOU. FREE.
xoxoxo
Breathe in…Breathe out.
TAK
Six years ago I woke up and thought to myself “I never want to feel this way again!” Six years later I’m finally able to come to terms with INHALING the good shit and EXHALING the bullshit. I also crave PURPOSE, and I’ll be honest I am a strange flavor of purpose. I’m a mother of two wonderful kids with one being diagnosed OCD/Tourette’s/Neuro Difficulties, IFBB Professional Athlete, Paralegal by day, and at times, let’s be real, I’m a roller coaster of bat shit crazy. The one thing I am not, is available. Positive K sang it best…”I got a man.”
I find myself to be a random bouncing ball with goals on fire and ideas of change. The one thing I know without a doubt is, I want more in life. I don’t necessarily want more material things. I want and need PURPOSE. Purpose of all kind. I could be wrong, in fact there’s probably a good chance of that but regardless I feel if I can somehow help other humans by sharing some of my life experiences, I’ve found purpose.
LET IT GO… I have always been the kind of person who hangs on to STUFF. Stuff can be mental in my head or maybe material junk. For example, my father gave me a cheap ass laundry basket for Christmas one year that I cared nothing about, but when my father died that cheap ass laundry basket suddenly became gold. One day my ex-husband launched it down the stairs and it cracked. I remember going nuts and crying like it was the end of the world. Why? Because my dad gave it to me and he was now dead. He would never be able to buy me a cheap ass anything ever again. My thoughts today, why give a shit, let alone two shits. It was a damn dollar tree basket. He should have made more real memories with me, rather than me hanging on to this basket. But I was young, stupid and apparently I couldn’t wait to start investing in Botox for the many wrinkles that all this little STUFF would cause in the coming years. Looking back now, I should have let so many things go in my past.
Today, I’m 44 years old and it has literally taken me years to learn how to inhale the good shit and exhale the bullshit. Why do we burden ourselves with so much useless drama? It gives me anxiety, a shit ton of wrinkles and frankly it just blows. #lifesucker. For years I’ve heard “You need to experience failure to know success” or “You must have storms to appreciate the rainbows”. Blah blah blah. Whatever. I’m not trying to pop the positive train balloons here and while I do appreciate success and rainbows I would rather tell the bullshit to fuck off because it’s a waste of time and the way I see it, the clock is ticking. The quicker I end useless drama, insecurities and bullshit, the more value I’m adding back into my life. Oh did I mention joy? That too.
I tested out my theory a few weeks ago by literally writing out a note that said I’m “breaking up” with the bullshit that was stealing my joy. And guess what? So far those bastards haven’t texted, called or reached out. YES!!! That’s the break-up we all want to have. And trust me, I don’t miss it one bit.
Yeah, it’s true, it took me 44 years to join the “no fucks given” club. Better late than never but it still feels like a VICTORY to me. Do yourself a favor and let it go…just like that super annoying Elsa and start living life. Inhale…Exhale….
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
The Rinse Cycle 