#TeamJenny

“DON’T HATE THE PLAYER, HATE THE GAME…” No deal. I hate both.

Placing my custom made #TeamJenny sticker on the back of my car window was absolutely the highlight of my day aside from hearing a police report had been filed against “his abusive ass.” The cherry on top, being asked if I’d be willing to speak to the detective about my last ten years with him. Hmmmm. Simon says yes. In fact, Simon says I should’ve filed my own police report many times.

Why you might ask? Fool me once, shame on you – fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times – not a fucking chance.

Maybe it’s time women started believing women the first time.

Live. Learn. Rinse. Repeat.

TAK

BILLY WEST

Let’s just call him “Billy” – “Billy West”.

Billy, Billy…you did unspeakable things. You were a Master Manipulator and Gaslighting King.

The one thing I know to be true in this life – karma is real and sometimes served twice. Did you truly never expect to be served?

You see, I’m not too young to speak the truth like 12 and I’m not deer in the headlight 39. I’m 50 & fifty fits me perfectly fine.

Live.Learn.Rinse.Repeat.

TAK

Attention: WANTED

For anyone who feels broken, unwanted and beyond repair – this is for you.

YOU ARE WANTED.

If you let love inside, you will see. You are worthy.

YOU ARE WANTED.

You are not what you were, who you’ve been, how you were raised or how you were unloved. You are new every morning.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your scars are victories. You are beautiful.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your struggle may be temporary or lifelong. You are not broken.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your blood may not be your bond. You are not alone.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your dark shadows are not your friend. You will find the sun by what you seek. Seek and you shall find.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your broken spirit and tears do not define you as weak. You are stronger, dig deep.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your worth is not valued in monetary gain or a number of likes.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your heart is still beating, you are not dead, you are still breathing, and YOU ARE WANTED. You just haven’t seen it yet. Don’t give up and please believe – YOU ARE WANTED.

REPEAT AFTER ME… I AM WANTED.

Keep Going. #2021

LIVE.LEARN.RINSE.REPEAT.

TAK

RUN and HIDE

Screen Shot 2019-10-01 at 2.55.21 AM

12 years old. You were my friend. I trusted you, silly me. That simple trust changed my life forever.

I NEVER CRIED. NOT ONCE, UNTIL NOW. THAT’S HOW I KNOW YOU BROKE ME.

YOU STOLE MY INNOCENCE.

YOU STOLE MY ABILITY TO TRUST ANYONE AND EVERYONE.

YOU MADE ME ASHAMED & INSECURE.

YOU MADE ME UGLY & DIRTY.

YOU MADE ME BELIEVE THAT I WAS UNWORTHY TO BE LOVED.

YOU MADE ME WALK WITH MY HEAD DOWN, HOPING NO ONE WOULD SEE MY PAST.

YOU MADE ME BELIEVE IT WAS MY FAULT.

YOU MADE ME WANT TO DIE, I EVEN TRIED.

YOU MADE ME LIVE WITH YEARS OF GUILT AND SHAME.

YOU ARE THE DEMON THAT COULD NEVER BE TAMED.

YOU ARE THE UNSPOKEN TRUTH THAT WAS KEPT SO DEEP.

I WILL ALWAYS SEE YOUR FACE BUT I WOULD BET YOU’VE BARELY BLINKED AN EYE OVER MINE.

33 YEARS LATER YOU’VE GIVEN ME PURPOSE IN MY LIFE. YOU LEFT ME DAMAGED, NOT DEAD. I’M TIRED OF RUNNING AND I’M COMING WITH THE VOICE I DIDN’T HAVE AT THE AGE OF 12.

#RAPE

LIVE. LEARN. RINSE. REPEAT.

TAK

YO DUMB DUMB…

THIS SCENE, right here from “Night at the Museum”. I laugh so hard every time I watch this clip and Ben Stiller’s reaction to being called “dumb dumb”. You’re welcome. Enjoy! It will provide laughter, compliments of the bad decisions I made last week which turned me into “Larry”.

Easter Island Head v. Larry the Night Guard

I can still visualize in my mind (in slow motion of course) the bat shit crazy version of myself walking in the restaurant, seeing them sitting in the booth, realizing how used and foolish I was the night before (she is clueless of course), choking him the hell out with all 115 pounds of myself and ending up in jail. Did that really happen? No, but a girl can dream! The vision is super satisfying but the hate and scar on my heart that was slowly healing is bleeding once more, and that doesn’t serve me well. I handled myself with the best integrity I could muster while my 13 year old daughter watched for my reaction. So classy and mature it was, because teaching my daughter a lesson in life was way more important than how I was feeling inside at that moment. I may have took the high road when I shook her hand and introduced myself, and not because fear was holding me back, but rather it was me loving myself more than he ever could. I took my dignity and left the restaurant. I didn’t cry when my daughter hugged me in the car, told me I was pretty, kissed me on the cheek because she simply didn’t know what else to say, and I didn’t cry until she went up stairs when we made it home.

After the kids went to bed, I text a friend and said “Hey man, are you ready to f*%k me and get me over the ex?” He laughed and said “No girl, we won’t be f*%king to get you over the ex, we would be f*%king for fun, but you know in the end that won’t help you heal.” See, that’s a solid friend right there – GIVING TRUTH and not taking advantage of a situation for some kitty. He also told me to get the hell off dating apps because I was hurting myself and not helping myself. That I needed more time. That I don’t need to try to keep up with the ex. That it’s ok, that I’m just not ready yet. I know he’s right. I called him a joy killer and said I hope it happens soon, I want to wear my cute little things and feel like a sexy woman again, because these granny panties are NOT WINNING! Then it hit me, in a sexy mood killer kinda way, that I can still get pregnant! WHOAH, and OH HELL NO! I seriously can’t believe that. It’s been so long since I’ve had to think about that piece and it feels so foreign. I should probably just stick with the goals of consistently shaving my body parts! One day at a time! SMH…adulting at #45 sucks.

FORGIVE TO LIVE because forgiving yourself and others is a MUST to move on and it doesn’t hurt to run from Attila the Hun so you’re not such a dumb dumb.

P.S. I’ve had stubby fingers my whole entire life, furthermore the entire 6 year relationship. I held your hand, and many other parts of your body for 6 years with no notice, and definitely zero complaints. I find it ironic that it took being compared to other women for my stubby little fingers to finally be noticed. #perfectlyimperfect

Live. Learn. Rinse. Repeat.

TAK

SPRING FORWARD with a FULL MOON and a BAR OF SOAP

It’s official…today was the first day of Spring. 60 degrees and beautiful. The wind was blowing and the smell of sun was on my skin. Besides laughter, I believe a day like this is medicine for the soul especially after several dreary months and a breakup. They say “Spring brings new beginnings and new growth” in my opinion it brings allergies and occasional Tornados, but hey I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I really do appreciate and love the sun.

Then tonight, lucky me, I get a FULL MOON, well everyone else did too, but I’m pretending the sunny day and full moon was meant for me but I’ll share. WE ALL DESERVE IT. It’s ridiculous how much I love the moon. Like in a nerdy, run outside and admire it kind of big eyed way. It started as a child and it’s never changed. I stood in the driveway just staring at it tonight, the same way I’ve stared at it my entire life. This time felt different and vulnerable. As I looked up I wondered if I would ever be excited to share a gorgeous moment like this with someone else again? I shook it off, took a deep breath, blew the moon a kiss and went inside.

And yeah, about that bar of soap. See, I’ve had this bar of DIAL soap in my shower for like 2 years. I’m completely serious, 2 years. My ex-boyfriend used this soap. Truthfully I’m not sure why I’ve kept it since the break up or in general because he rarely stayed here and never showered here when we were together. It’s been in there so long it’s dried out and cracking. While showering tonight, for some crazy ass reason, I decided to wet it down, put it on my bath gloves and scrub away. I’m not sure why I would choose this torture method because #1 it dried my skin out something fierce and #2 one of my favorite smells (NO JUDGING) was going upstairs at his house to get myself ready for bed and smelling “his” smell before I even reached the bedroom. What I mean by “his” smell was the DIAL soap smell on his skin. He showered and beat me to bed every single night. The smell had a weirdo sense of coming home for me. When I smelled him it brought calm and security and more than not, kissing and love making until another shower was needed. I haven’t smelled him for several months now and smelling the DIAL tonight didn’t bother me like I thought it would, thankfully. I did think about how weird it would be to smell someone else after a shower, or see them in a towel or feel their lips on mine. Then my stomach flipped and not in the good butterfly kind of way. So I shut those thoughts down. Jeez, I’m just not ready for them.

I have no idea what any of this babble means, but I’ll give a shot to conclusion. Since we’ve been apart, we’ve passed by Winter, Birthdays, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, 1st day of Spring, a few Full Moons, and the Justin Timberlake Concert tomorrow (dang you JT hot pants for canceling the original show in the Fall because of those precious vocal cords, I know you need them but I needed you! lol). And this doesn’t account for all the things we’ve missed and passed involving our kids. It’s so strange the way time can feel in slow motion but in reality it’s moving fast.

As the days go on I mark through the calendar and think about where I’ve been, where I am in that particular moment and where I’m going. I don’t believe “time heals everything” and I don’t believe the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I once did. But because of this experience I now believe it’s ok to be weak. It’s ok to hurt…still. It’s ok to take your time. It’s ok to still love him. It’s ok to let the good and bad memories hurt. It’s just ok. Someday everything will be better than ok. What else can a girl do? Keep Going. Keep Moving. Keep Smiling. Keep Laughing. Keep Growing. Keep Healing.

CHEERS to the 1st official day of Spring – New Beginnings, New Growth aka allergies and tornados, CHEERS to the beautiful full-moon that brings wonder and possibilities and CHEERS to that dried out bar of soap that didn’t trigger me but made me use a ton of extra body lotion.

I’m growing like a spring flower and changing, or maybe I’m a weed or quite possibly a tornado! LOL!

spring

Live.Learn.Rinse.Repeat.

TAK

Hell, Bandaids and Bicycle Crashes

If you’ve heard the Rodney Atkins song “If you’re going through hell” then you know you better run your ass off to get to the other side. RUN FOREST FUN!

“If you’re going through Hell
Keep on going, don’t slow down
If you’re scared, don’t show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you’re there”.

My thought is, if your going through hell in the first place the struggle is real and you better run your ass off then implement the STOP. DROP. AND ROLL technique because if you made it out of there alive your shit is probably on fire. And just keep going, there is hope on the other side….right? Maybe a rainbow? A rainbow with a leprechaun? A rainbow with a leprechaun and a pot of gold? Nah, I don’t think that sounds right and neither does green beer, that actually sounds pretty gross. What I’m trying to say is, after you get to the finish line of all the hell you’ve been going through there is supposed to be a happy ending. No sir…not that kind, well at least not in this blog! LOL.

It may take time to find your happy HEALED ending and your new beginning. There may be times you regress due to things that RIP THE FUCKING BANDAID OF HEALING right off the bone. But what can you do? Run back through hell, find the devil and kick him the dick for bringing you back to square one? No. That’s just dumb, read the song lyrics again because if you made it out alive the first time that’s #WINNING! Pick yourself back up ONE MORE TIME and start the process all over again. It sucks, but you got this!

OHHHHH…how the bandaid ripping BURNS! It’s like you have the hairiest legs and you let a new student of hair waxing try their technique out on you! Or better yet, the bandaid ripping would be a close comparison to falling off your bike as a kid and completely racking your crotch off on the frame. It’s the bruised black and blue kind, the kind that takes your breath away. And honestly, I don’t give two shits if you’re a chic or a dude getting racked like that will light your parts up for dayzzzzzz. So check out these safety tips and use them for your future well-being:

1. Don’t ride bikes.

2. If you do ride bikes, wear a cup and a helmet.

3. Buy a ton of frozen peas. I hear Hy-vee has them on sale this week.

4. Practice meditation with said peas on your bruises, it turns your mind off and into FROSTBITE concerns! LOL

5. Be careful who you trust with your heart.

6. Do something super uncomfortable. A new job, interviews, new group activities, dance lessons. Whatever is uncomfortable for you. “Just be you, be picky and put yourself out there. What’s the worst that could happen. You make friends.” (JH credit.)

7. Force yourself to laugh and smile, even with people you don’t know and especially when you don’t feel like it. A returned smile and laugh can actually make your day brighter if you give it a chance.

8. Remember, YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL. WANTED. NEEDED. IRREPLACEABLE. There is no one else like you. No matter how many “perfect matches” you see in your head.

9. Keep going, you’re almost to the other side.

STAY CALM…AND FROZEN PEAS ON!

Live. Learn. Rinse. Repeat

TAK

“WHO’S COMING WITH ME?”

I can see it so clearly in my head. Jerry Maguire desperately trying to retrieve the goldfish from the tank and once he does he turns around to face the whole office looking at him and he says whoever comes with me will experience something “REAL”, something “FUN”, something “INSPIRING” and then goes on to say “Who’s coming with me?”. The whole office is starring at him like he’s nuts! He realizes that NO ONE is coming. No one is willing to take that leap of faith for something greater, something better, something life changing – SOMETHING UNCOMFORTABLE AND SCARY. And after a ton of silence and Jerry’s speech blown to shit, Dorothy jumps out of her seat and shouts “I WILL COME WITH YOU!” I was starting to sweat there for a minute for poor Jerry.

ulEpZC

I have felt so much like Jerry the past year or maybe more like the goldfish trying to escape the net because it’s way to comfortable in my fish tank life of normalcy. Over the weekend I did a refresher hands only CPR class and I explained to one of the nurses I always felt nervous in the past to do CPR in the event I messed up. She stood there looking at me and smiled. I then laughed and realized how ridiculous that must have sounded to her and I said “What’s the worst thing that could happen? They die? They are going to die anyway if I don’t try.”

That’s how I feel about this JUMP into something completely different in my life. Is it uncomfortable? You bet it is. Unbelievably. Will it be worth it? I have no clue. What I do know is, I will either WIN or I will LEARN. And with that there is no LOSING.

So……WHO’S COMING WITH ME?

Live.Learn.Rinse.Repeat.

TAK

TOMMY WHO???

Tommy????

I woke up and just like that I realized for the past 33 years I’ve been belting out Bon Jovi’s song “Livin on a Prayer” WRONG!!!!! I mean for real…WHO IS TOMMY? My guy has been Johnny and I don’t know who the hell this Tommy dude is.

Seriously though…it happened. Today. Pulling out of my driveway, deciding I’ve had enough of love songs that make me feel gross inside and forget country music because that makes me feel like crashing my car into something and I’ve already had enough wrecks for one year. So I think to myself there is only one thing to do!!! BREAK OUT THE 80’s ROCK. It won’t cause a ton of reminiscing because we didn’t listen to it very often, SO YEAH, HELL YEAH, BRING ON THE 80’S ROCK. I gotta be honest, it’s not my fav whatsoever. But it doesn’t bring memories to my head or my heart. So, with that, you bet, I’m all in.

I am however highly disturbed by the fact that I’ve been singing this song wrong for so many years. How is that even possible to miss something so obvious? Maybe the real question is, was I really listening in the first place? Tommy v. Johnny. Hmmmmm, I guess it’s possible.

So that brings me to this thought. If it has been possible to miss something so critical as the name of the dude who worked on the docks in Bon Jovi’s hit song all these years, then who knows how much I’ve missed in LIFE not really listening. Hearing and listening are two very different things. Touché Tommy!

Live. Learn. Rinse. Repeat

TAK

Hmmmmm

THE RINSE CYCLE

Welcome to THE RINSE CYCLE.
LIVE. LEARN. RINSE. REPEAT.

You guessed it…another AMAZING blog out in the universe to read. I know, the world needs another blog like it needs another !

I would love to say it will be life shattering. An eye opening, laugh until your gut hurts, educational and occasionally sad read. It probably will be and as a bonus, I will throw out randoms about living, learning, RINSING and repeating this crazy thing called life.

I’m a mother of two amazing kids. Yes, I know, everyone says it, but they are. I’m a Paralegal by day and an IFBB Pro Athlete by night, sometimes early morning but realistically more like “whenever I can fit it in”. I just turned 45, and here’s the real kicker – I’m still trying to get my shit together and figure out who I am and what I want to be when I grow up BECAUSE THERE MUST BE MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS, oh and finally I’m a “wanna-be” blogger for myself because it feels good.

About a year ago I started this blog and called it “Inhale good shit exhale bullshit.” I started it for myself after the encouragement of a friend, but never shared it socially and only with a few people in my circle. Looking back, I thought the name fit perfectly as I was attempting some kick-ass Nitro Circus type stunts to exhale things and people in my life that were not serving me and attempting to inhale the good surrounding me like an experienced Yogi in some crazy twisted pretzel pose humming “ommmmmmmmmm.” Of course, achieving true peace will forever be a life goal for me, but I’ve outgrown the GOODSHIT & BULLSHIT mantra.

I’ve also outgrown the No F’s Given Club, although I gave it my best shot. I’ve outgrown pretending to be strong when I am weak, after all I have the best ugly cry face ever. I’ve outgrown pretending to have my shit together, because I just don’t and it’s too exhausting to pretend otherwise.

Time to be real. Time to heal.

Live. Learn. Rinse. Repeat.

TAK

cropped-rinsecycle