SPRING FORWARD with a FULL MOON and a BAR OF SOAP

It’s official…today was the first day of Spring. 60 degrees and beautiful. The wind was blowing and the smell of sun was on my skin. Besides laughter, I believe a day like this is medicine for the soul especially after several dreary months and a breakup. They say “Spring brings new beginnings and new growth” in my opinion it brings allergies and occasional Tornados, but hey I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I really do appreciate and love the sun.

Then tonight, lucky me, I get a FULL MOON, well everyone else did too, but I’m pretending the sunny day and full moon was meant for me but I’ll share. WE ALL DESERVE IT. It’s ridiculous how much I love the moon. Like in a nerdy, run outside and admire it kind of big eyed way. It started as a child and it’s never changed. I stood in the driveway just staring at it tonight, the same way I’ve stared at it my entire life. This time felt different and vulnerable. As I looked up I wondered if I would ever be excited to share a gorgeous moment like this with someone else again? I shook it off, took a deep breath, blew the moon a kiss and went inside.

And yeah, about that bar of soap. See, I’ve had this bar of DIAL soap in my shower for like 2 years. I’m completely serious, 2 years. My ex-boyfriend used this soap. Truthfully I’m not sure why I’ve kept it since the break up or in general because he rarely stayed here and never showered here when we were together. It’s been in there so long it’s dried out and cracking. While showering tonight, for some crazy ass reason, I decided to wet it down, put it on my bath gloves and scrub away. I’m not sure why I would choose this torture method because #1 it dried my skin out something fierce and #2 one of my favorite smells (NO JUDGING) was going upstairs at his house to get myself ready for bed and smelling “his” smell before I even reached the bedroom. What I mean by “his” smell was the DIAL soap smell on his skin. He showered and beat me to bed every single night. The smell had a weirdo sense of coming home for me. When I smelled him it brought calm and security and more than not, kissing and love making until another shower was needed. I haven’t smelled him for several months now and smelling the DIAL tonight didn’t bother me like I thought it would, thankfully. I did think about how weird it would be to smell someone else after a shower, or see them in a towel or feel their lips on mine. Then my stomach flipped and not in the good butterfly kind of way. So I shut those thoughts down. Jeez, I’m just not ready for them.

I have no idea what any of this babble means, but I’ll give a shot to conclusion. Since we’ve been apart, we’ve passed by Winter, Birthdays, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, 1st day of Spring, a few Full Moons, and the Justin Timberlake Concert tomorrow (dang you JT hot pants for canceling the original show in the Fall because of those precious vocal cords, I know you need them but I needed you! lol). And this doesn’t account for all the things we’ve missed and passed involving our kids. It’s so strange the way time can feel in slow motion but in reality it’s moving fast.

As the days go on I mark through the calendar and think about where I’ve been, where I am in that particular moment and where I’m going. I don’t believe “time heals everything” and I don’t believe the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I once did. But because of this experience I now believe it’s ok to be weak. It’s ok to hurt…still. It’s ok to take your time. It’s ok to still love him. It’s ok to let the good and bad memories hurt. It’s just ok. Someday everything will be better than ok. What else can a girl do? Keep Going. Keep Moving. Keep Smiling. Keep Laughing. Keep Growing. Keep Healing.

CHEERS to the 1st official day of Spring – New Beginnings, New Growth aka allergies and tornados, CHEERS to the beautiful full-moon that brings wonder and possibilities and CHEERS to that dried out bar of soap that didn’t trigger me but made me use a ton of extra body lotion.

I’m growing like a spring flower and changing, or maybe I’m a weed or quite possibly a tornado! LOL!

spring

Live.Learn.Rinse.Repeat.

TAK

Hell, Bandaids and Bicycle Crashes

If you’ve heard the Rodney Atkins song “If you’re going through hell” then you know you better run your ass off to get to the other side. RUN FOREST FUN!

“If you’re going through Hell
Keep on going, don’t slow down
If you’re scared, don’t show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you’re there”.

My thought is, if your going through hell in the first place the struggle is real and you better run your ass off then implement the STOP. DROP. AND ROLL technique because if you made it out of there alive your shit is probably on fire. And just keep going, there is hope on the other side….right? Maybe a rainbow? A rainbow with a leprechaun? A rainbow with a leprechaun and a pot of gold? Nah, I don’t think that sounds right and neither does green beer, that actually sounds pretty gross. What I’m trying to say is, after you get to the finish line of all the hell you’ve been going through there is supposed to be a happy ending. No sir…not that kind, well at least not in this blog! LOL.

It may take time to find your happy HEALED ending and your new beginning. There may be times you regress due to things that RIP THE FUCKING BANDAID OF HEALING right off the bone. But what can you do? Run back through hell, find the devil and kick him the dick for bringing you back to square one? No. That’s just dumb, read the song lyrics again because if you made it out alive the first time that’s #WINNING! Pick yourself back up ONE MORE TIME and start the process all over again. It sucks, but you got this!

OHHHHH…how the bandaid ripping BURNS! It’s like you have the hairiest legs and you let a new student of hair waxing try their technique out on you! Or better yet, the bandaid ripping would be a close comparison to falling off your bike as a kid and completely racking your crotch off on the frame. It’s the bruised black and blue kind, the kind that takes your breath away. And honestly, I don’t give two shits if you’re a chic or a dude getting racked like that will light your parts up for dayzzzzzz. So check out these safety tips and use them for your future well-being:

1. Don’t ride bikes.

2. If you do ride bikes, wear a cup and a helmet.

3. Buy a ton of frozen peas. I hear Hy-vee has them on sale this week.

4. Practice meditation with said peas on your bruises, it turns your mind off and into FROSTBITE concerns! LOL

5. Be careful who you trust with your heart.

6. Do something super uncomfortable. A new job, interviews, new group activities, dance lessons. Whatever is uncomfortable for you. “Just be you, be picky and put yourself out there. What’s the worst that could happen. You make friends.” (JH credit.)

7. Force yourself to laugh and smile, even with people you don’t know and especially when you don’t feel like it. A returned smile and laugh can actually make your day brighter if you give it a chance.

8. Remember, YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL. WANTED. NEEDED. IRREPLACEABLE. There is no one else like you. No matter how many “perfect matches” you see in your head.

9. Keep going, you’re almost to the other side.

STAY CALM…AND FROZEN PEAS ON!

Live. Learn. Rinse. Repeat

TAK

SAME LAME THING!

I’ve heard people make this type of comment about our youth “What is wrong with kids these days?” Uhhh, duh. Let’s start off with one of the obvious issues. MODELING BEHAVIOR. KIDS who make fun of others turn into ADULTS that do the same lame thing. And I believe that parents sometimes model this jerk behavior, and don’t realize what they are doing. Or if they do, they don’t care because they watched the same modeling behavior unfold growing up.

As an adult, I simply can’t wrap my simple little noggin around adults making fun of others but unfortunately just the other night I sat at a table full of adults doing just that. Gross and disgusting.

Let me paint the picture of the event. Inaugural Ball. Beautiful event. Beautiful “looking” people. It was a very cool experience even though I still claim to be a Republican. I’ve shifted over the years to the party of “I really don’t know who or what I am.” As the ceremony came to an end, dinner began, the band started to play and people headed for the dance floor. There was a young lady, I would guess somewhere between 18-20 and she was dancing as the band played. The second I saw her, I smiled. As she was doing something different with zero fear. It seemed like a lyrical type dance. She was smiling and enjoying herself and not being hindered in the least about the opinions of others. She had a confidence that no one at my table shared. That said the “adults” at my table started making comments with twisted facial smirks and the like. My response to this was “At least she’s up there dancing and having a good time.” Which was more than anyone at that table could say.

A few thoughts flooded my mind about these small minded people who were 35+ years of age and still doing exactly what they probably did in high school….JUDGING & MAKING FUN of people who are different.

I thought they must be so insecure about themselves. I wondered if I recorded them, and did a playback how proud they would’ve been of their words and actions.

I thought they needed people with grace in their lives to help with humble modeling behaviors.

I thought they were so clueless. They didn’t know her. They didn’t know who she was or where she comes from and because of my son I always think beyond the “perfect little human box” (which good luck with that box btw, it’s a fairytale) and maybe this girl had a special need, or maybe she loved to express herself with dance or maybe she just loved to dance in general and she was dancing the only way she knew how and she didn’t care who was watching. I LOVED THIS ABOUT HER!

I couldn’t wait to escape the table for the bathroom. I’d rather wait in a 20 minute line alone than sit at that table.

I regret one thing about that night and that was not getting up from the table and dancing with her.

So here’s to the beautiful young girl on the dance floor doing your thing.

KEEP DOING YOU. KEEP DOING WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE. KEEP DOING WHATEVER IT IS THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD AND DON’T EVER LET ANYONE STOP YOU. YOUR SMILE IS CONTAGIOUS. THANK YOU FOR BEING BRAVE. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BE MORE LIKE YOU. FREE.

xoxoxo

sexy-girl-dancing

Breathe in…Breathe out.

TAK

BECOMING VULNERABLE

COME AT ME BRO!!!! Hands up, fists clenched, maybe a few moves around the ring like my boy “Canelo” ready and waiting for the next punch to my face. Crazy as that sounds, I look at this self defense as being proactive, not negative. Ready to defend and attack before anything has a chance to hit me first. How old am I, right? Ummm, I’m 44 not 14. It doesn’t seem very mature at all, but that’s how I’ve approached life since my Dad walked out the door when I was 5 years old, after he came back and my parents remarried and they divorced again later after my Mom and my Dad’s best friend were busted having an affair. I was young but very aware of what was happening in front of my eyes, and holding a secret like that as a child is a very unhealthy thing. I remember the night my dad finally wised up and came home early that night. What followed is a memory I will never forget.

Being too open and vulnerable allows people to hurt my heart and break my trust. Frankly I’m just not down with that. Last night I watched Will Smith on Instagram and he said “Life is hard, you might get hurt, your heart might get broke, BUT you gotta COMMIT! Don’t hesitate. Go! Commit! You might lose something but you can’t experience the joy that is intended for you in life if you don’t GO!” His words were a KNOCK KNOCK…H-E-L-L-O…Are you in there? right on my brain. This doesn’t only apply to love, it applies to everything in our lives. The reason I avoid being vulnerable is that I fear what I don’t know, and by nature if things are “ok” I don’t like rocking the boat with change so I stay as stale as a bag of chips left unclipped.

I acknowledged out loud to my boyfriend and to my best friend the other day that I needed help. That I felt I had an addiction for the first time in my life. I’ve suffered from A.D.D. my whole freaking life, not really acknowledging it until August 2015 when I accepted a new position as a Paralegal. I wanted to stop wallpapering my office with post-it notes and furthermore I was sick of living my weekends with TO-DO lists that were never completed and trying to have conversations with someone bouncing around 10 subjects in less than a minute. Try to keep up with that! It’s tough! So I began medication and it has been a whirlwind of clarity and a fantastic ride, but it has also had negative side effects such as anxiety, mood swings, hair loss, etc. I tried to stop taking the medication this summer and that lasted about 2 weeks. FAIL. I never told anyone that I started taking it again, because I felt like such a loser. I felt like I had to keep it a secret because I was weak. The moment I shared that I felt I couldn’t manage life without it and I needed human help, I became vulnerable. How? I asked for help. I asked for patience. I put it out there that I needed someone.

That day, my fists were down, but I felt strong in my vulnerability. GO…COMMIT…be vulnerable.

Inhale…Exhale…

Vulnerable

TAK