Let’s just call him “Billy” – “Billy West”.
Billy, Billy…you did unspeakable things. You were a Master Manipulator and Gaslighting King.
The one thing I know to be true in this life – karma is real and sometimes served twice. Did you truly never expect to be served?
You see, I’m not too young to speak the truth like 12 and I’m not deer in the headlight 39. I’m 50 & fifty fits me perfectly fine.
Live.Learn.Rinse.Repeat.
TAK
LIFE LESSONS FEEL LIKE SWIM LESSONS ONLY FACE DOWN IN THE WATER DROWNING.
Mistakes and worse, more bad decisions made – complete disrespect to self. When will I learn, people are the same, despite mouth game, they just don’t change.
Struggling is not failing. Survived 12 rounds and the countdown. Don’t worry, I’ve got you, just as I always have because he never could.
Live.Learn.Rinse.Repeat.
TAK
I can see it so clearly in my head. Jerry Maguire desperately trying to retrieve the goldfish from the tank and once he does he turns around to face the whole office looking at him and he says whoever comes with me will experience something “REAL”, something “FUN”, something “INSPIRING” and then goes on to say “Who’s coming with me?”. The whole office is starring at him like he’s nuts! He realizes that NO ONE is coming. No one is willing to take that leap of faith for something greater, something better, something life changing – SOMETHING UNCOMFORTABLE AND SCARY. And after a ton of silence and Jerry’s speech blown to shit, Dorothy jumps out of her seat and shouts “I WILL COME WITH YOU!” I was starting to sweat there for a minute for poor Jerry.
I have felt so much like Jerry the past year or maybe more like the goldfish trying to escape the net because it’s way to comfortable in my fish tank life of normalcy. Over the weekend I did a refresher hands only CPR class and I explained to one of the nurses I always felt nervous in the past to do CPR in the event I messed up. She stood there looking at me and smiled. I then laughed and realized how ridiculous that must have sounded to her and I said “What’s the worst thing that could happen? They die? They are going to die anyway if I don’t try.”
That’s how I feel about this JUMP into something completely different in my life. Is it uncomfortable? You bet it is. Unbelievably. Will it be worth it? I have no clue. What I do know is, I will either WIN or I will LEARN. And with that there is no LOSING.
So……WHO’S COMING WITH ME?
Live.Learn.Rinse.Repeat.
TAK
Tommy????
I woke up and just like that I realized for the past 33 years I’ve been belting out Bon Jovi’s song “Livin on a Prayer” WRONG!!!!! I mean for real…WHO IS TOMMY? My guy has been Johnny and I don’t know who the hell this Tommy dude is.
Seriously though…it happened. Today. Pulling out of my driveway, deciding I’ve had enough of love songs that make me feel gross inside and forget country music because that makes me feel like crashing my car into something and I’ve already had enough wrecks for one year. So I think to myself there is only one thing to do!!! BREAK OUT THE 80’s ROCK. It won’t cause a ton of reminiscing because we didn’t listen to it very often, SO YEAH, HELL YEAH, BRING ON THE 80’S ROCK. I gotta be honest, it’s not my fav whatsoever. But it doesn’t bring memories to my head or my heart. So, with that, you bet, I’m all in.
I am however highly disturbed by the fact that I’ve been singing this song wrong for so many years. How is that even possible to miss something so obvious? Maybe the real question is, was I really listening in the first place? Tommy v. Johnny. Hmmmmm, I guess it’s possible.
So that brings me to this thought. If it has been possible to miss something so critical as the name of the dude who worked on the docks in Bon Jovi’s hit song all these years, then who knows how much I’ve missed in LIFE not really listening. Hearing and listening are two very different things. Touché Tommy!
Live. Learn. Rinse. Repeat
TAK
COME AT ME BRO!!!! Hands up, fists clenched, maybe a few moves around the ring like my boy “Canelo” ready and waiting for the next punch to my face. Crazy as that sounds, I look at this self defense as being proactive, not negative. Ready to defend and attack before anything has a chance to hit me first. How old am I, right? Ummm, I’m 44 not 14. It doesn’t seem very mature at all, but that’s how I’ve approached life since my Dad walked out the door when I was 5 years old, after he came back and my parents remarried and they divorced again later after my Mom and my Dad’s best friend were busted having an affair. I was young but very aware of what was happening in front of my eyes, and holding a secret like that as a child is a very unhealthy thing. I remember the night my dad finally wised up and came home early that night. What followed is a memory I will never forget.
Being too open and vulnerable allows people to hurt my heart and break my trust. Frankly I’m just not down with that. Last night I watched Will Smith on Instagram and he said “Life is hard, you might get hurt, your heart might get broke, BUT you gotta COMMIT! Don’t hesitate. Go! Commit! You might lose something but you can’t experience the joy that is intended for you in life if you don’t GO!” His words were a KNOCK KNOCK…H-E-L-L-O…Are you in there? right on my brain. This doesn’t only apply to love, it applies to everything in our lives. The reason I avoid being vulnerable is that I fear what I don’t know, and by nature if things are “ok” I don’t like rocking the boat with change so I stay as stale as a bag of chips left unclipped.
I acknowledged out loud to my boyfriend and to my best friend the other day that I needed help. That I felt I had an addiction for the first time in my life. I’ve suffered from A.D.D. my whole freaking life, not really acknowledging it until August 2015 when I accepted a new position as a Paralegal. I wanted to stop wallpapering my office with post-it notes and furthermore I was sick of living my weekends with TO-DO lists that were never completed and trying to have conversations with someone bouncing around 10 subjects in less than a minute. Try to keep up with that! It’s tough! So I began medication and it has been a whirlwind of clarity and a fantastic ride, but it has also had negative side effects such as anxiety, mood swings, hair loss, etc. I tried to stop taking the medication this summer and that lasted about 2 weeks. FAIL. I never told anyone that I started taking it again, because I felt like such a loser. I felt like I had to keep it a secret because I was weak. The moment I shared that I felt I couldn’t manage life without it and I needed human help, I became vulnerable. How? I asked for help. I asked for patience. I put it out there that I needed someone.
That day, my fists were down, but I felt strong in my vulnerability. GO…COMMIT…be vulnerable.
Inhale…Exhale…
TAK
STOP REMEMBERING THE SHIT THAT DOESN’T SERVE YOU. Insert my best Italian “FORGET ABOUT IT” right here. If I had a dollar for every post-it note or journal note on my phone used to remind myself of “something” I need to do or not forget, I WOULD BE FREAKING RICH AS SHIT $$$$$$ CHA-CHING! Wait, shit isn’t rich is it? Whateve…you get my point.
This ridiculous topic of choice today is the feeling that I need to remember every little thing that happens in my life. Good and bad. Who has time for that? Clearly me if I could physically wallpaper a room with all the flipping post-it notes I have surrounding me at work and home.
Recently my goal driven boyfriend and I completed the monster task of cleaning out my mother’s home. She passed in February 2015. The hoarding alone took (2) 40′ dumpsters and a few crazy months of work to flip the home for sale. I realized before the project started that I would be extremely overwhelmed by so many different emotions. It was both mentally and physically exhausting. I needed to take in every memory good and bad that came with this task. Those moments and memories have made me who I am – past and present. We started at the beginning of April and the final work was completed on June 24, 2018, on the market the same day and an offer the next day. #WIN
I struggled with the loss of my Mom and denial of that favored me. There were so many memories that brought anger and tears as well as laughter and smiles. The one thing I learned from this experience by reliving and remembering so many memories is that I never wished I was little again. “Oh there are so many wonderful memories in this house, I loved being a kid, I sure wish I was 5 years old” NO…NO FUCKING WAY. WOW…what does that say about the childhood fun? Tons. Maybe, and that’s a HUGE maybe, I’d crank back time to say, 10 or 11 years old. Old enough to make some different choices in my life for my future self, but not young enough to go through some of the ups and downs that I’ve put out of my mind. Being forced to spend this much time at my childhood home helped heal my soul and in some ways say goodbye to her. I know she would be very proud of what we accomplished.
When I think about all the time spent on memories of the past (even if that past is last week or yesterday) I could slap myself. Yet I’ve caught myself over the past few days doing the same thing. Especially the memories that are not worth spending precious time on or holding on to negative memories that only bring negative thoughts into my mind. I wrote the following note to myself just now. #keepinitclassy
Dear Jack-Ass Self,
If you can’t remember the shit clutter without journal notes or post-it notes…IT MUST NOT BE WORTH REMEMBERING.
Get a clue & you’re welcome!
Yours truly,
Jack-Ass Self
Today, with my favorite 5 second rule (I love Mel Robbins, “The 5 Second Rule”) I’ve decided to PURGE notes and screenshots from my phone that do not serve me in a positive way. If I feel the need to write down bad shit or shit memories and the good shit or amazing shit is not WINNING in my life at least 90% of the time then HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM. This pattern of habit needs to evolve and not by writing more notes or keeping more negative things to remember. If it doesn’t serve me in a positive way, it’s time to say goodbye. It’s time to make room in my MIND and free up my TIME for the things WORTH remembering.
I still love post-it notes btw, but they will be used for store lists and maybe a cute little note to myself that says “Don’t be a dick by keeping track of stupid shit that doesn’t serve you!”
Inhale…Exhale…
TAK
The Rinse Cycle 