Attention: WANTED

For anyone who feels broken, unwanted and beyond repair – this is for you.

YOU ARE WANTED.

If you let love inside, you will see. You are worthy.

YOU ARE WANTED.

You are not what you were, who you’ve been, how you were raised or how you were unloved. You are new every morning.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your scars are victories. You are beautiful.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your struggle may be temporary or lifelong. You are not broken.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your blood may not be your bond. You are not alone.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your dark shadows are not your friend. You will find the sun by what you seek. Seek and you shall find.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your broken spirit and tears do not define you as weak. You are stronger, dig deep.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your worth is not valued in monetary gain or a number of likes.

YOU ARE WANTED.

Your heart is still beating, you are not dead, you are still breathing, and YOU ARE WANTED. You just haven’t seen it yet. Don’t give up and please believe – YOU ARE WANTED.

REPEAT AFTER ME… I AM WANTED.

Keep Going. #2021

LIVE.LEARN.RINSE.REPEAT.

TAK

RUN and HIDE

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12 years old. You were my friend. I trusted you, silly me. That simple trust changed my life forever.

I NEVER CRIED. NOT ONCE, UNTIL NOW. THAT’S HOW I KNOW YOU BROKE ME.

YOU STOLE MY INNOCENCE.

YOU STOLE MY ABILITY TO TRUST ANYONE AND EVERYONE.

YOU MADE ME ASHAMED & INSECURE.

YOU MADE ME UGLY & DIRTY.

YOU MADE ME BELIEVE THAT I WAS UNWORTHY TO BE LOVED.

YOU MADE ME WALK WITH MY HEAD DOWN, HOPING NO ONE WOULD SEE MY PAST.

YOU MADE ME BELIEVE IT WAS MY FAULT.

YOU MADE ME WANT TO DIE, I EVEN TRIED.

YOU MADE ME LIVE WITH YEARS OF GUILT AND SHAME.

YOU ARE THE DEMON THAT COULD NEVER BE TAMED.

YOU ARE THE UNSPOKEN TRUTH THAT WAS KEPT SO DEEP.

I WILL ALWAYS SEE YOUR FACE BUT I WOULD BET YOU’VE BARELY BLINKED AN EYE OVER MINE.

33 YEARS LATER YOU’VE GIVEN ME PURPOSE IN MY LIFE. YOU LEFT ME DAMAGED, NOT DEAD. I’M TIRED OF RUNNING AND I’M COMING WITH THE VOICE I DIDN’T HAVE AT THE AGE OF 12.

#RAPE

LIVE. LEARN. RINSE. REPEAT.

TAK

YO DUMB DUMB…

THIS SCENE, right here from “Night at the Museum”. I laugh so hard every time I watch this clip and Ben Stiller’s reaction to being called “dumb dumb”. You’re welcome. Enjoy! It will provide laughter, compliments of the bad decisions I made last week which turned me into “Larry”.

Easter Island Head v. Larry the Night Guard

I can still visualize in my mind (in slow motion of course) the bat shit crazy version of myself walking in the restaurant, seeing them sitting in the booth, realizing how used and foolish I was the night before (she is clueless of course), choking him the hell out with all 115 pounds of myself and ending up in jail. Did that really happen? No, but a girl can dream! The vision is super satisfying but the hate and scar on my heart that was slowly healing is bleeding once more, and that doesn’t serve me well. I handled myself with the best integrity I could muster while my 13 year old daughter watched for my reaction. So classy and mature it was, because teaching my daughter a lesson in life was way more important than how I was feeling inside at that moment. I may have took the high road when I shook her hand and introduced myself, and not because fear was holding me back, but rather it was me loving myself more than he ever could. I took my dignity and left the restaurant. I didn’t cry when my daughter hugged me in the car, told me I was pretty, kissed me on the cheek because she simply didn’t know what else to say, and I didn’t cry until she went up stairs when we made it home.

After the kids went to bed, I text a friend and said “Hey man, are you ready to f*%k me and get me over the ex?” He laughed and said “No girl, we won’t be f*%king to get you over the ex, we would be f*%king for fun, but you know in the end that won’t help you heal.” See, that’s a solid friend right there – GIVING TRUTH and not taking advantage of a situation for some kitty. He also told me to get the hell off dating apps because I was hurting myself and not helping myself. That I needed more time. That I don’t need to try to keep up with the ex. That it’s ok, that I’m just not ready yet. I know he’s right. I called him a joy killer and said I hope it happens soon, I want to wear my cute little things and feel like a sexy woman again, because these granny panties are NOT WINNING! Then it hit me, in a sexy mood killer kinda way, that I can still get pregnant! WHOAH, and OH HELL NO! I seriously can’t believe that. It’s been so long since I’ve had to think about that piece and it feels so foreign. I should probably just stick with the goals of consistently shaving my body parts! One day at a time! SMH…adulting at #45 sucks.

FORGIVE TO LIVE because forgiving yourself and others is a MUST to move on and it doesn’t hurt to run from Attila the Hun so you’re not such a dumb dumb.

P.S. I’ve had stubby fingers my whole entire life, furthermore the entire 6 year relationship. I held your hand, and many other parts of your body for 6 years with no notice, and definitely zero complaints. I find it ironic that it took being compared to other women for my stubby little fingers to finally be noticed. #perfectlyimperfect

Live. Learn. Rinse. Repeat.

TAK

SPRING FORWARD with a FULL MOON and a BAR OF SOAP

It’s official…today was the first day of Spring. 60 degrees and beautiful. The wind was blowing and the smell of sun was on my skin. Besides laughter, I believe a day like this is medicine for the soul especially after several dreary months and a breakup. They say “Spring brings new beginnings and new growth” in my opinion it brings allergies and occasional Tornados, but hey I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I really do appreciate and love the sun.

Then tonight, lucky me, I get a FULL MOON, well everyone else did too, but I’m pretending the sunny day and full moon was meant for me but I’ll share. WE ALL DESERVE IT. It’s ridiculous how much I love the moon. Like in a nerdy, run outside and admire it kind of big eyed way. It started as a child and it’s never changed. I stood in the driveway just staring at it tonight, the same way I’ve stared at it my entire life. This time felt different and vulnerable. As I looked up I wondered if I would ever be excited to share a gorgeous moment like this with someone else again? I shook it off, took a deep breath, blew the moon a kiss and went inside.

And yeah, about that bar of soap. See, I’ve had this bar of DIAL soap in my shower for like 2 years. I’m completely serious, 2 years. My ex-boyfriend used this soap. Truthfully I’m not sure why I’ve kept it since the break up or in general because he rarely stayed here and never showered here when we were together. It’s been in there so long it’s dried out and cracking. While showering tonight, for some crazy ass reason, I decided to wet it down, put it on my bath gloves and scrub away. I’m not sure why I would choose this torture method because #1 it dried my skin out something fierce and #2 one of my favorite smells (NO JUDGING) was going upstairs at his house to get myself ready for bed and smelling “his” smell before I even reached the bedroom. What I mean by “his” smell was the DIAL soap smell on his skin. He showered and beat me to bed every single night. The smell had a weirdo sense of coming home for me. When I smelled him it brought calm and security and more than not, kissing and love making until another shower was needed. I haven’t smelled him for several months now and smelling the DIAL tonight didn’t bother me like I thought it would, thankfully. I did think about how weird it would be to smell someone else after a shower, or see them in a towel or feel their lips on mine. Then my stomach flipped and not in the good butterfly kind of way. So I shut those thoughts down. Jeez, I’m just not ready for them.

I have no idea what any of this babble means, but I’ll give a shot to conclusion. Since we’ve been apart, we’ve passed by Winter, Birthdays, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, 1st day of Spring, a few Full Moons, and the Justin Timberlake Concert tomorrow (dang you JT hot pants for canceling the original show in the Fall because of those precious vocal cords, I know you need them but I needed you! lol). And this doesn’t account for all the things we’ve missed and passed involving our kids. It’s so strange the way time can feel in slow motion but in reality it’s moving fast.

As the days go on I mark through the calendar and think about where I’ve been, where I am in that particular moment and where I’m going. I don’t believe “time heals everything” and I don’t believe the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I once did. But because of this experience I now believe it’s ok to be weak. It’s ok to hurt…still. It’s ok to take your time. It’s ok to still love him. It’s ok to let the good and bad memories hurt. It’s just ok. Someday everything will be better than ok. What else can a girl do? Keep Going. Keep Moving. Keep Smiling. Keep Laughing. Keep Growing. Keep Healing.

CHEERS to the 1st official day of Spring – New Beginnings, New Growth aka allergies and tornados, CHEERS to the beautiful full-moon that brings wonder and possibilities and CHEERS to that dried out bar of soap that didn’t trigger me but made me use a ton of extra body lotion.

I’m growing like a spring flower and changing, or maybe I’m a weed or quite possibly a tornado! LOL!

spring

Live.Learn.Rinse.Repeat.

TAK