Category: Family

My life is a bit of a shit show and it’s okay.

There are days when I wake up and automatically feel like a total and complete badass. Then there are the days I wake and think, please please please let me wake up again, hit restart and make this shit show disappear. Yep, call me a dream chaser, because that doesn’t happen. EVER.  I can choose to struggle with the day or I can embrace the shit show for what it is and make it positive. This morning in the shower, which is like my meditation time to myself, no kids, no thinking, no drama, and I can hear my music playing through my cell phone being interrupted over and over again with work emails, regular emails, texts, notifications etc.  What do I do? I yell at my phone like it’s the phones fault for doing its job.  It only reiterates to me, I need to be in therapy once again.

I think the main reason I feel overwhelmed by life sometimes, is because I don’t prioritize the crazy train.  In fact I know that’s the issue.  There’s a ton going on in my life as with most people.  Work, training in the gym, raising good kids, kids and school, dealing with an idiot ex-husband who makes everything under the sun difficult, trying to learn BJJ, maintaining good relationships and friendships, pursuing passions, trying to establish boundaries in my life I’ve never had and the other 50 billion other things I want to accomplish that never get checked off the list.

Every whiney piece of me, wants to cry out “what about me?”  “I need to be the priority, I need to be happy.  If I’m not happy how can I be a good mom, or a good blah blah blah”.  Frankly I caught myself saying that in my head a few weeks ago, circling the wagons with the same round and round logic of “Hey jackass, you are going to get your shit in order starting tomorrow, you are the priority and everything else will fall into place.  You’ve done it before, you can do it again.”  But then I thought no.  No, I will not get my shit together.  Why not? Because I just won’t. THAT IS THE REALITY.  Not in this moment of time.  And guess what, for the first time EVER, that’s ok. #REBEL

I have created so much additional pressure trying to stay in the same previous pattern priorities that I haven’t allowed myself to evolve, which has denied me the ability to come to terms with the fact that IT IS OKAY to just be. Stop with the countdowns for a minute. Stop with the pressure to “get on track”. Stop with the negative talk to myself that I need to be this or that. JUST STOP.  JUST BE.  It really is okay.  Inhale…Exhale…pexels-photo-1002812.jpeg

 

 

LET IT GO…(kinda like Elsa)

Six years ago I woke up and thought to myself “I never want to feel this way again!”  Six years later I’m finally able to come to terms with INHALING the good shit and EXHALING the bullshit.  I also crave PURPOSE, and I’ll be honest I am a strange flavor of purpose.  I’m a mother of two wonderful kids with one being diagnosed OCD/Tourette’s/Neuro Difficulties, IFBB Professional Athlete, Paralegal by day,  and at times, let’s be real, I’m a roller coaster of bat shit crazy.  The one thing I am not, is available. Positive K sang it best…”I got a man.”

I find myself to be a random bouncing ball with goals on fire and ideas of change.  The one thing I know without a doubt is, I want more in life. I don’t necessarily want more material things.  I want and need PURPOSE.  Purpose of all kind.  I could be wrong, in fact there’s probably a good chance of that but regardless I feel if I can somehow help other humans by sharing some of my life experiences, I’ve found purpose.

LET IT GO… I have always been the kind of person who hangs on to STUFF.  Stuff can be mental in my head or maybe material junk.  For example, my father gave me a cheap ass laundry basket for Christmas one year that I cared nothing about, but when my father died that cheap ass laundry basket suddenly became gold.  One day my ex-husband launched it down the stairs and it cracked.  I remember going nuts and crying like it was the end of the world. Why?  Because my dad gave it to me and he was now dead. He would never be able to buy me a cheap ass anything ever again.  My thoughts today, why give a shit, let alone two shits. It was a damn dollar tree basket.  He should have made more real memories with me, rather than me hanging on to this basket.  But I was young, stupid and apparently I couldn’t wait to start investing in Botox for the many wrinkles that all this little STUFF would cause in the coming years. Looking back now, I should have let so many things go in my past.

Today, I’m 44 years old and it has literally taken me years to learn how to inhale the good shit and exhale the bullshit.  Why do we burden ourselves with so much useless drama?  It gives me anxiety, a shit ton of wrinkles and frankly it just blows. #lifesucker.  For years I’ve heard “You need to experience failure to know success” or “You must have storms to appreciate the rainbows”. Blah blah blah.  Whatever.  I’m not trying to pop the positive train balloons here and while I do appreciate success and rainbows I would rather tell the bullshit to fuck off because it’s a waste of time and the way I see it, the clock is ticking. The quicker I end useless drama, insecurities and bullshit, the more value I’m adding back into my life.  Oh did I mention joy? That too.

I tested out my theory a few weeks ago by literally writing out a note that said I’m “breaking up” with the bullshit that was stealing my joy. And guess what?  So far those bastards haven’t texted, called or reached out.  YES!!! That’s the break-up we all want to have.  And trust me, I don’t miss it one bit.

Yeah, it’s true, it took me 44 years to join the “no fucks given” club.  Better late than never but it still feels like a VICTORY to me. Do yourself a favor and let it go…just like that super annoying Elsa and start living life.  Inhale…Exhale….

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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