There are days when I wake up and automatically feel like a total and complete badass. Then there are the days I wake and think, please please please let me wake up again, hit restart and make this shit show disappear. Yep, call me a dream chaser, because that doesn’t happen. EVER. I can choose to struggle with the day or I can embrace the shit show for what it is and make it positive. This morning in the shower, which is like my meditation time to myself, no kids, no thinking, no drama, and I can hear my music playing through my cell phone being interrupted over and over again with work emails, regular emails, texts, notifications etc. What do I do? I yell at my phone like it’s the phones fault for doing its job. It only reiterates to me, I need to be in therapy once again.
I think the main reason I feel overwhelmed by life sometimes, is because I don’t prioritize the crazy train. In fact I know that’s the issue. There’s a ton going on in my life as with most people. Work, training in the gym, raising good kids, kids and school, dealing with an idiot ex-husband who makes everything under the sun difficult, trying to learn BJJ, maintaining good relationships and friendships, pursuing passions, trying to establish boundaries in my life I’ve never had and the other 50 billion other things I want to accomplish that never get checked off the list.
Every whiney piece of me, wants to cry out “what about me?” “I need to be the priority, I need to be happy. If I’m not happy how can I be a good mom, or a good blah blah blah”. Frankly I caught myself saying that in my head a few weeks ago, circling the wagons with the same round and round logic of “Hey jackass, you are going to get your shit in order starting tomorrow, you are the priority and everything else will fall into place. You’ve done it before, you can do it again.” But then I thought no. No, I will not get my shit together. Why not? Because I just won’t. THAT IS THE REALITY. Not in this moment of time. And guess what, for the first time EVER, that’s ok. #REBEL
I have created so much additional pressure trying to stay in the same previous pattern priorities that I haven’t allowed myself to evolve, which has denied me the ability to come to terms with the fact that IT IS OKAY to just be. Stop with the countdowns for a minute. Stop with the pressure to “get on track”. Stop with the negative talk to myself that I need to be this or that. JUST STOP. JUST BE. It really is okay. Inhale…Exhale…
The Rinse Cycle 